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Clearly, Obama wasn't out in front during the first general election campaign debate this week. Some suggest he's just not that into it. Other's suggest he was giving Mitt room enough to hang himself with his own lies.

But maybe you hoped Obama would step out with more chutzpah, more pizzazz, more oomph? Well, here's what the man himself could say to those carrying such unmet expectations:

  1. "I shouldn't have to tell you that the best performance of my anniversary came later. And so did..."
  2. "Clearly, Mitt, spending all day preparing for the debate served him well. I'm sure all Americans can appreciate that I had other things to do..."
  3. "Wait, wait, I'm gonna let you finish, Mitt. Because the more you talk the more flip-flop videos we can make of you."
  4. "Now I recognize I've got 2 minutes to respond here, but I'd like to give that time to my opponent so he can answer one simple question about his tax plan: where's the math?"
  5. "I'm sorry about how I showed up last night during the debate. Truth is, there was a bit of a fire drill at the office, and in this job some fire drills I really can't tell you about. Just know that it's out, and I'm in for debate #2..."
  6. "Just think about it. He stood between me and my beloved on my anniversary. That could give a lot of guys performance issues."
  7. "I really thought Jim Lehrer was gonna called out for a lifeline because HE IS THE WEAKEST LINK."
  8. "I just have one remark about what you saw and heard last night. Lies are pretty, but the truth endures."
  9. "My opponent last night said he was in favor of teachers & education, coal miners and renewable energy, government regulations, helping the sick and the poor get healthcare, soldiers and college students, retirees and small business owners, and all the best parts of Obama/Romney-care." If he wasn't so white I would have thought it was me standing over there."
  10. "I got 99 problems and Mitt ain't one."

You can donate to Obama's debate training fund here.